Things You May Say...I Do Anyway...

Dear Sparrow Hospital,

I think the following list would be useful to include in your baby/mother paperwork.

Things you may find yourself saying:

• Do not play in the dog’s water bowl. It belongs to the dogs and they don’t want to share.
• It’s nap time. Stay IN YOUR BED…unless there is a fire. If there is a fire you can get out. 
• Do not put hotwheels on the baby’s head, he's sleeping, he can't play when he is sleeping.
• Do I need to call Santa? I have his phone number.
• We can’t borrow all of the books at the library, we need to share with other people. Pick 3.
• Put the hair gel down, your hair looks lovely already.
• Your hair looks lovely, please put the hair gel down now.
• It is time to be quiet. The hippo needs to take a nap.
• The beach is closed today, there is snow.
• The doggies don’t like hugs, they just like high-fives.
• That is so nice to give the baby a book, but please give him a soft little book (as opposed to the large/hard ones that you keep bonking him in the head with)
• I don't think that Arlo needs a pretzel, he doesn't have any teeth yet. 
• The blinds are not for playing hide and seek in, go hide in the closet.
• You can only have one tattoo today.
• Leave the garbage in the trash can alone (I guess that would mean the garbage elsewhere is free game).
• Markers are for coloring on paper, not your skin.
• Markers are for coloring on paper, not the table.
• Markers are for coloring on paper, not the couch.
• Do not sit on your brother/sister.
• Only empty one drawer in your dresser at a time please, then you can put it all back and start again. What fun!
• I think wearing 3 shirts at a time is enough, you need to put one back if you want to wear that one too.
• Stop licking the window or all of the birdies are going to go away.
• Put the bug down, it needs to go find his momma.
• Your caterpillar is sleeping. Let’s go find a comfy leaf for him to nap on.
• I don’t think you’ll like that; it’s an onion, not an apple.
• Yes, we can go swimming later. In 6 months. No that’s not tomorrow.
• No we can't get a shark today, I have too much laundry to do.
• There is no monster in the closet, dresser, under the bed, behind the curtain...etc. I already checked.
• Here is a special pair of socks for you to keep you safe from above mentioned non-existant monsters.
• I'll put a sign on the door that says "No Monsters" then they can't come in (and yes I did.)
• There are no monsters, I vacuumed all of the monsters up.
• If you want to buy a real pirate ship you need to save your money for a long time. Pirate ships are expensive.

An Hour In The Life...

7:30 am Good morning Mom. Can I get up? Can I get up now? Mom. Mom. Mom. Can I get up? Why are you telling me I need to go potty? Come with me. No come potty with me.  Why are you saying no Mom? 

7:32 am I don’t want to wear pants. No it’s not cold. I don’t want to wear pants. Why are you saying too bad? Can I have a sweatshirt, its cold. Mom. Mom. Mom.  Can I have a sweatshirt? Why are you telling me to wait? Can I have milk? Can I have milk in my cup? Can I have my drink with no top? Why are you telling me no Mom? 

7:33 am When I drink my milk can I have juice? Why are you saying we’ll see? I want breakfast, whats for lunch? No I don’t want breakfast, I want lunch.

7:34 am Mom. Can I eat a cookie? Why are you saying I can’t eat a cookie? I want a cookie. Why are you saying too bad? Can I have cereal? Can I have raisins in my cereal? Can I have it in a bowl? Can I eat at the couch? 

7:36 am Turn on a movie. PLEASE.I don’t want this movie, I want Dora. I don’t want this Dora, I want stuck truck Dora. Why are you saying later? Can I have more milk? No, no juice, I want milk. 

7:40 am What are we doing today? Can I make a fire truck? You said I could make a fire truck for craft. Mom. Mom. Mom. Why are you saying later? Why are you saying you need coffee mom? Can I have coffee? Why are you saying no? Can I have coffee? Can I get out the coffee cream? Why are you telling me to go sit down? Can I have more raisins?

7:41 am What is Arlo eating? Can I eat it? Why can’t I? 

7:42 am Mom. Mom. Mom. Up? Up? Up?

7:45 am Where’s Daddy? Why did Daddy go to work? Can I have cinnamon rolls? Why can’t we have cinnamon rolls today? When Daddy doesn’t go to work can we have cinnamon rolls? Thank you! 

7:50 am Can I call Mema? 

8:00 am Can we do our craft now? Why are you saying wait? Why are you not ready? I want to make a fire truck AND a police car. Why are you saying no? Is that going to be my fire truck? Why are you cutting the paper? Can I cut the paper? Why are you saying not today? My truck needs wheels.

8:03 am I need more glue. I need more glue. Mom. Mom. Mom. I need more glue. Mom.  I need more wheels.  Can I have 12 wheels? Why? Why are you saying no? 

8:10 am My fire truck needs a fire station. Where is my truck going to go without a fire station?  Please. I said please. Mom. Mom. Mom. I need a fire station. Why are you saying not today? Tomorrow can we make a fire station? Thank you!

8:11 am Why are you saying you need more coffee? Can I have coffee? Can I have juice? Thank you!

8: 20 am Where are you going? I want to go do laundry too. Why are you telling me no? Can I do laundry later? In a little bit? Can I go downstairs? 

8:22 am Mom.Mom.Mom. Mooooooom. What are you doing downstairs? Why are you doing laundry? Can I do laundry? Why you saying wait there? Are you coming back? Mom. Mom. Mom. Are you coming back?

8:25 am Whats that noise? Mom. What’s that noise? Why does the washing machine make so much noise? I don’t make a lot of noise Mom. Mom. Mom. Can you turn on another Dora? I want stuck truck Dora. Can I have juice? Where is my juice? I don’t see it. Where? Where? Oh there it is! I found it! 

8:30 am Mom. Mom. Moooooooom. Where arrrrre  yoooooooooooooooou? Mom. Mom. Why are you in your closet? My turn hide and seek.

Sometimes a Good Mom

I have heard countless times, Mom’s can’t get sick. This is true. When Mom gets sick we turn into crappy parents. I have a horrible cold. Enter crappy parent…

The television has been on the majority of the day. When someone licked the glue stick during craft time I gave a less than enthusiastic “don’t eat glue.” I put their cookie on their plate with their lunch because I didn’t want to have to get up and get it again after they ate (which of course they didn’t because they already had the cookie.) When they wanted chips for snack, no fish crackers, no chips, no both, I caved and gave both because I didn’t want to have the argument. There is no singing of songs, my throat hurts. The kid allowed the privledge of being the "helper" for the day (which they totally love!) is fetching tissues rather than assisting in baking home made pizza-we had microwaved mac n cheese for lunch.

We're working on the essentials today. Feed, water, outside...no wait, that's the dogs. Feed, sippy cup, send thing #1 to the bathroom, change diaper on thing #2 and thing #3. Repeat process as needed. 

Fortunately I was a good Mom last week. I think we are okay with the “every other week” plan. Now please excuse me while I go back to the couch to be a booger filled zombie and pretend that we are engaging in an activity together, watching  yet another movie.

A Perspective on Santa

The scene: sitting on the couch with Greyson watching Diego. Something about a baby reindeer, to be honest I’m not really into it and have zoned out.

Greyson: I don’t like reindeer.

Me: How would Santa fly his sleigh without reindeer?

Greyson: Santa can’t fly a sleigh.

Hmmmmm…I’ll ignore the obvious answer to this statement and take the bait.

Me: Why can’t Santa fly a sleigh?

Greyson: Because he’s not a good driver.

Let’s see…driving a sleigh led by woodland creatures at night, in the dead of winter,  landing on people’s roofs, breaking and entering while the owners asleep. Point for Greyson, Santa probably isn’t in the right state of mind to be driving.

Cinderelhim

My kids LOVE to help me with things, well some things anyway. They don’t want to do plain old boring things that I would like them to—like pick up their toys. But to help with something that I normally do by myself is a treat! I figure it’s about time I start exploiting them. Greyson is 3 and Kinsley is 2, when I was them I already had a full-time job planning clothing changes for my Barbies. 

I asked Greyson if he would like to help me do the dishes. You would have thought I offered him a trip to Disney! Now before you go thinking I am a bad mom and turning him into Cinderelhim, I had already done most of the dishes and removed all the sharp objects. There was a few pieces of silverware and bottles to be washed. 

 Greyson was delighted to have dish brush in hand. I even showed him how to wash the insides of the bottles with the round brush. Just when I’m thinking I must have been a total idiot for not doing this before he goes to dump the dishwater out of the bottle… and then it’s all over the floor. 

“That’s okay Greyson, you just keep washing dishes.’

 “Kinsley, here’s a towel honey if you want to wash the floor.” Kinsley comes running, “Yeahhh, I do it!!”

Good job kids! I love you so much that next you can clean the bathroom. Mommy is going to read her Kindle.

You have a little something on you

Yesterday, we’re at gymnastics…Greyson is jumping on the trampoline. The trampoline is a big deal at gymnastics and there is only one kid allowed at a time. Needless to say, there is a line of mothers and their little bouncers waiting for their turn. So there’s Greyson…jump, jump, jump, freeze, insert finger inside nose. Flashing red light in my mind—we have an issue at hand.

I use my outside-of-the-house mom voice that implies I’m so loving and sweet but DON’T push me, “Get your finger out of your nose now. That’s gross.” My inside-my-head-while-we-are-out-of-the-house mom voice that begs my children to behave and not look like they are hooligans says, “Please do not put your finger in your mouth and eat a booger. Please please pleasssse.”  Success! Greyson drops his hand to his side and starts bouncing. Issue adverted.

Flashing red light in my head returns—new issue. My mind switches to warp speed to process the new situation—there is a booger hanging from the tip of his nose. Option 1) tell him and ask him to wipe it off. No, we will likely return to the original dilemma where I feared he would put it in his mouth. Option 2) Ignore it. That seems kind of mean to let your own kid run about with a booger hanging from his nose. Option 3) Wipe it off. Option three is good. Let’s move quickly. No tissue.

Before thinking I reach up and swipe my finger across his nose. Issue resolved. Red light still blinking—new issue. Now *I* have a slimy boog on *MY* finger. Wipe it on my pants and carry on. After all, the kids have done a hug and wipe on my legs a dozen times this morning. No booger in mouth, no booger hanging from nose, booger on Mom’s pants. Grrrrrreat.

Fabulous, Simply Fabulous!

Important: While it APPEARS I only have one follower (thank you my dear friend Missy Grant Cooke), I had 60 people view my blog the first day. Don't go thinking it isn't cool and you shouldn't read it anymore. It's cool I swear! Fifty-nine other people said so. Thanks to all of you!

I just ordered a new potato* bag on Etsy. Two fabulous things in one sentence-let me back up. First, a potato bag. If you don’t have one of these you probably don’t know what I’m and talking about, and you don’t know what you’re missing! It’s basically this fabric bag with a fold down top used to cook potatoes (and any other vegetable you want to steam) in the microwave. 

Yes, I am aware you can cook a potato in the microwave WITHOUT a potato bag, but once you have, you realize you wouldn’t want to ever again. They come out so wonderfully fluffy and perfectly done.

Before you go thinking my family is ga-ga over potatoes, I’m not really a huge fan of the starch (Bo would argue this is a vegetable. It’s a STARCH. So is corn. Accept it and move forward please) but Bo thinks they are fabulous. I think they are fabulously cheap, are great for adding to soups and casseroles, and allow me to make another side dish in 6-12 minutes.  So while I wouldn’t say they are fabulous, they are still pretty okay.

An added bonus: potatoes ARE one of Kinsley’s favorite “toys.”  Potatoes in the bag, out of the bag, in the bag, out of the bag, roll them around, stack them up—attempt to stack them up, put them back in the bag.

You may be asking, if she loves the dang thing so much and thinks we should all buy one why doesn’t she already own one? 

Well, I did. 

It caught on fire. 

In the microwave. 

Don’t go freaking out. I’ve had this happen with other fabric microwave things, like the rice bags that you use as heating pads (another fabulous). I don’t think it is a user error although I will not fully omit that option. I think just after being microwaved so many times the fabric particle enzyme proton neutrons break down (I did just make that up, sound scientific didn’t it?) 

I don’t really know why or how it happens, but we had the thing for 5 years so I am fully ready to invest $6.00 in another one. Don’t worry about the whole fire thing, it gives off a funky smell that’s hard to miss so you’ll catch it before there is any real issue. (Side note: you SHOULD have a fire extinguisher and check that your smoke detector batteries are charged, so really it shouldn’t be an issue anyway. I’m just saying.)

Second fabulous part of my opening sentence—Etsy. You will quickly learn that when I love something, I really really love it and think everyone should love it too. Etsy (www.etsy.com) is one of those things. It’s an entire website dedicated to people who are selling hand-crafted (or what we called “home-made” in the olden days) items. That’s right people, no more having to wait for art-fair season, battle parking and hope you can find what you are looking for amongst 100’s of vendors.

Looking at Etsy does make me feel a little (a LOT) untalented nearly every time I am on there; but it also provides me with dozens upon dozens of ideas of things that I would like to create, great original gifts, and always upon always it is one of the most amazing sites to “window shop.” 

All this to say: potato bags-fabulous. Etsy-fabulous. I love them, you should too. They're cool.