Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Toilet paper, headless dolls, and other ways kids are like dogs

A friend of mine says to me, I don't know how you do it--I have a hard enough time taking care of my dogs. Kids and dogs are strangely alike. Of course there is the warm and fuzzy things about how they are loyal, and loving. But no, those aren't the things I am referring to.

  • They enjoy unrolling the entire roll of toilet paper.
  • They require  you to buy paper towel wholesale.
  • They enjoy rolling in the grass/dirt.
  • Your bed is always preferable to theirs. 
  • Shredding the newspaper and flinging it about the room never loses its entertaining factor. 
  • They go bazerk with excitement when the doorbell rings.
  • There is no understanding of the concept known as “sleeping in.”
  • They will run at maximum speed towards any large body of water.
  • They want to catch a squirrel. 
  • Even though their clothes are super cute, they don't want to wear them.
  • They follow you from room to room, as if you are leading a parade.
  • The toilet water is one of the most interesting things in the house.
  • When you talk they just stare at you, trying to figure out why you are talking to them.
  • They constantly want to climb on you and lick your face.
  • Removing the stuffing from a toy is more fun than actually playing with the toy.
  • If something falls on the floor, it is still okay to eat it. 
  • They want to stick their heads out of the car windows. 
  • If you are eating something, then it must be something really really yummy and they should get to eat it too.
  • Often, it is nearly impossible to tell what they are saying.
  • You worry about their teeth.
  • Every time you say the words “I am going” they run towards the door in hopes that they are going too. 
  • When you walk down to the mailbox, they will sit in the front window and stare at you to make sure you are coming back and not making an unannounced get-away to somewhere they are sure is going to be infinitely more fun than what they are doing.
  • If you leave a pen out, they will chew it to bits making sure that they get ink all over themselves, the floor and the furniture.
  • They make the couch smell.
  • They enjoy the contents of the garbage can.
  • They eat the heads/arms or other extending parts off of plastic toys.
  • A french fry on the floor of the car is a great snack.
  • They stand next to you while you vacuum under the furniture in the hopes that you will find something wonderful that they’ve lost. 

Monday, April 4, 2011

O.C.D. at the Ghetto-Store

This morning was spent in a total O.C.D. manner. I reviewed the Meijer grocery ad to the point that the pages were falling apart.

I then searched out coupons from my coupon binder (BINDER!!!) and searched online for printable coupons matching sale items. To ensure that I bought the amount fitting the fine print of on my coupons but also matching up with the “10 for $10, get the 11th free” I made a spreadsheet (SPREADSHEET!) I warned you that I spent the morning in total O.C.D. Did you think I was joking?  Excel was made for people like me. I thought about adding the aisle next to each item and sorting it, but that would just be getting carried away.

I was so geeked up about my geekiness that I asked the kids in my “yeah” voice, “Who wants to go grocery shopping?!” This was the second time in my history of mother-of-3 I have taken all of the kids to the grocery store. In fact, I usually make it a rule to take NO kids to the grocery store.

In addition to being a freak for spreadsheets, I am also a freak* about my kids being kidnapped and become a total nut about safety when there is any sort of population clustering. Add in the fact that I shop at Ghetto-Meijer on the south-side and you will begin to comprehend the full level of my craziness at being excited about grocery shopping.

Just as I issue my invitation for a big outing I realize its lunch time, which is usually followed by nap time. Hmmmm… what to do? What to do?! Three hungry, tired kids at the ghetto store, I mean grocery store, when I am trying to make sure my spreadsheet and coupon binder are in perfect sync. This is looking like the perfect storm!

No. I CAN DO THIS. I have a coupon for free chicken tenders from Burger King, the kids can eat on the way. I didn’t even have that one on my spreadsheet. Bonus!

There were a couple of details I forgot to work out…First, half way through the store I start sweating profusely, and this is not just from being a human kangaroo with one kid strapped to me. What did I eat today? Well that is easily solved. I have a coupon right here for a protein bar.

Second, when we get three-quarters of the way through the store Greyson starts complaining that the boxes are poking him. Clearly his is not feeling the saving-endorphins. I don’t know why they don’t make bigger carts. I sincerely doubt that I am the first person to try and tackle the dilemma of three kids, kidnapping paranoia AND grocery shopping.

Three hours later, we return home having saved $8.50 in coupons and $35.00 in-store savings with a receipt 1.5 feet long. I hung it on the fridge...and took a picture.

*This is where Kinsley’s God-Father, Andrew, puts in some smarty-pants comment about all of the things that I am a total weird-o on. Having been our neighbor for 6+ years he’s got some dirt. This is where *I* issue the warning of “Don’t even get me started. What goes around, comes around.”

Monsters Are Allergic to Hot Dogs

Several years ago our family doctor told me that when your children lie that it is a sign of creativity. Makes sense. Long before the brain develops the ability to “make believe” an entire plot including mommy’s, daddy’s, Disney and Spiderman, kids are able to lie. It’s a mini version of make believe, a whole lot less to develop and remember. 

There are the boring lies... I don’t have to go potty. I didn’t spill that. I didn’t hit them. I only hear about 10 gaga-billion of those in a day. Perhaps if I heard one or two, I would just give the "are you kidding me?" look and tell them that I know the truth. What fun would that be?

As part of my occupational abilities, I take great enjoyment out of pulling lies from my kids and spinning some of my own.These fly out of my mouth without any preparation. I think it is a gift.

Me: Did you go potty?
Greyson: Yes.
Me: Strange, you were in there for a half second. Are you sure you went?
Greyson the one whose lip twitches when he lies: Yes.
Me: Well I am going to go ask the potty if you want. Did you know I can talk “potty?” He will tell me. And if he tells me that you didn’t go, and you say you that you did, you are going to go to time-out. Do you want to try again?
Greyson turns and walks out. Yup, momma can talk potty.

Me: Kinsley, did you color on the wall with crayon?
Kinsley the stone face under extreme pressure liar: No.
Me: Kinsley….did YOU color on the wall with crayon?
Kinsley: No.
Me: There is crayon on my wall. Who did it?
Kinsley: The leprechauns.
Me: No they didn’t. This crayon is blue. Leprechauns like GREEN. Did you color the wall?
And she caves under the pressure. Score for the mom!

Me: Did you feed your hot dog to Parker Dog?
Greyson: No.
Me: Where did it go?
Greyson: The monster ate it.
Me: What monster?
Greyson: The one who eats the socks from the laundry. He likes hot dogs too.
Me: Monsters are allergic to hot dogs. That monster is going to get very sick if he eats a hotdog and drinks your milk too.  You better drink your milk before that monster does. The monster hospital is closed on Tuesdays. (Realize that you are telling this story on a Wednesday, stick to the story.) And Wednesday too.