Drink Orange Milk and Don't Be A Pimp

During the age of 1-2 years old, kids start to learn that everything has a name. What’s that? What’s THAT? What’s this? Around this time frame I got up really high on my horse and started talking about how I think it is so important to answer my kids questions. That I don’t want to be the kind of parent that brushes them off.

Things started off nice and easy. Dog. Cat. Ball. Tennis ball. Soccer ball. Football.  Easy, just name the object.

Then the questions got harder. My philosophy changed. Answer the question and If you don’t know what it is then just make it up. For example, dinosaurs fall into three categories:

1. Dinosaur+Plus (If the dinosaur has wings then obviously it is a bird-dinosaur. If it is a tall dinosaur then it’s name is tall dinosaur.)
2. T-Rex Dinosaur
3. Stegasorous Dinosaur

Around the age of 3, the questions get much more difficult. I’ve noticed that Greyson no longer takes my word for things. Why? How? What happens next? And if I give the wrong answer, he is fast to correct me. I’ve already become stupid mom who doesn’t know the name of all the dinosaurs, I’ve got to make sure that I get as many answers correctly that I can or my kids are going to fall into sex, drugs, punk music and drop out of school to be a pimp.

Greyson asks me where milk comes from. Easy, I got this one. From cows. Milk comes from cows.

Why do we drink it? Easy. Because it is good for us.

Where does chocolate milk come from? Easy, I am going to ace this exam. Chocolate milk comes from brown cows (if I were to answer that chocolate milk is chocolate mixed with regular milk it would lead to an entirely different form of questioning regarding why we mix it, where chocolate comes from. It’s already an hour past bed time when this conversation is taking place.)

Do cows drink milk? Yes.

Do cows drink chocolate milk or regular milk? This is a trick. No matter what I answer, he is going to ask me why and then we will have to discuss how chocolate milk is better than regular milk. Instead I answer, “what do you think cows drink?”

Greyson replies in the ever-so-patient, “let me education my foolish mom”, voice, “Cows drink regular milk, except on the days that the daddy cow doesn’t go to work. Then they get to drink chocolate milk. If there is an emergency, they drink orange milk. Orange milk is for emergencies only.”

I am at a cross-roads. Do I correct him and inform him that there is not really orange milk? That cows don’t drink chocolate milk either? Do I investigate to find out what kind of emergencies cows have? How the milk gets to be orange? Does orange milk come from orange cows? Why can’t they drink regular milk in an emergency.

“You are SO smart! Good night, I love you.” 

Tomorrow we will discuss why they should not drop out of school to become pimps, tonight I’m tired.