Paranormal Toys

I made the insane mistake of watching “Paranormal Activity.” I am referring to the first Paranormal Activity, I can’t even stand watching the previews for the second one. Outside of our bedroom door is the entrance to the attic, one glance up and I am in the fetal position saying the rosary. Oh no, this is not an exaggeration. I also won’t go down basement stairs that don’t have backs on them because I am convinced there is someone hiding under there, ready to snatch at my ankles and pull me into their deep, dark evil depths. 

Well every parent knows that most toys have motion sensors  so that you sneeze on the 2^nd floor and a toy in the basement feels the vibrations and goes off (it’s totally a conspiracy between the battery company and toy manufacturers.) When the batteries are running low the toys tend to become a little hyper and go off on their own. Well I try to convince myself that it is the batteries and not the ghosts who swoop around at night playing with the Weeble house and fire trucks. There are, however, a few toys that make this “think happy thoughts” a little more difficult.

FurReal Kitty:

The first time Bo saw FurReal Kitty, he’s eyes bulged out of his head and he said “Woooo. Pet Cemetery.” I’ve never actually seen this movie, but I am pretty sure this description of fur real was dead on. (Haha, Dead.On. Didn’t even mean that one!) It seriously looks like someone took their cat to a taxidermist to have Fluffy forever preserved. But it gets better.

FurReal Kitty has a motion sensor. This means that the freaky life-like/death-like cat will be left sitting on the couch, when you walk by its eyes fly open and MEOW. Tell me that won’t scare the begee’s out of you at 3am when you are on your way to sneak a cookie. That’s one dieters tip! 

I’ve told Kinsley that her meow meow likes it best in her bedroom. Meow meow has also had been spayed and had her batteries removed. 

ZhuZhu:

Zhu Zhu is actually a toy gerbil, but Kinsley has a love for cat’s so my Mom bought it for her to pass off as a toy cat. (Toy cat’s are actually hard to find. I am sure the reasoning being the whole pet cemetery thing.)

Amazon says that you can push a button on its back and hear it chatter. What Amazon SHOULD say is, accidentally bump the ZhuZhu and it will make chirping noises for up to 5 minutes. Remain absolutely still and hold your breath during this time, the slightest shift in atmospheric molecules will get ZhuZhu starting his chatter all over again. It is likely that during this time, Kinsley will be awakened and start crying for “Kitty! Kittty!” You now face two choices:

1. Listen to Kinsley cry in desperation for ZhuZhu and remain awake and wide-eyed listening to make sure she is indeed safe. 
2. Take ZhuZhu to her by running as quickly as you can down the hall, before the attic hatch opens, kiss her on the head, and run back to bed where all is safe. At this point she will stop crying and ZhuZhu will sporadically chatter throughout the night calling to all of his hamster friends to hide under your bed ready to attack if you should have to pee during the night.

Doesn’t that sound restful?

The Circus Truck:

Guess what noise circus trucks make? That freaky-deaky circus song that makes you think a big killer clown is hiding behind your shower curtain. Here is another toy that has had the batteries removed but the difference being, the batteries were taken out for Greyson’s benefit.

There *may* have been a little incident when Greyson was about two years old in which we were sitting on the couch watching Monsters Inc. It was at the opening scene where all is quiet and dark, the monster tip-toes into the room and…I gave Greyson a squeeze and said “ohh scarry.” He *may* have started bawling his little two year old eyes out. 

A day later, he was playing with the circus truck de-dee-deedle-deedle killer clown coming to get you, and then an elephant roar noise—bawling two year old.

So what does our good friend Andrew and Bo do? Keeps pushing the button over and over to see if the cause and affect relationship stays consistent. I had to take the batteries out of the toy so two grown mean would stop terrorizing Greyson (I *may* have had some guilt hangover regarding the whole Monsters Inc. moment the day before that *may* have been linked to the crying over the elephant noise.) 

I’m not exactly crying that the killer clown song is gone. If you don’t play the song, they stay hidden behind the shower curtain until morning. Everyone knows killer clowns can’t come after you in daylight. Duh.

Fork

Inside or outside, chances are I am going to have shoes on. I’ve learned that walking barefoot is just asking for trouble. Those toys got sharp little pointy things all over them just waiting to poke someone’s eye out or stab a momma’s foot. This causes a chain reaction of events to occur: step on pointy object that stabs foot, shout OW drawing everyone’s focus to you (strange since they never notice when you shout other things that start with “I MEAN IT…”, mutter a four letter word under your breath, children repeat four letter word with great intensity, convince family members that your child is not swearing but has a passion for utensils (“Oh yes, he really likes to use a FORK at dinner.”) It’s just better to wear shoes.

Occasionally there are acceptations to the shoe wearing rule. For example, I don’t wear shoes in the shower, so when I get out of the shower there is a good several minutes of the dressing process in which my feet are exposed to the lurking dangers. Today I gave thought to rethinking the no shoes in the shower policy.

I step out, on to the bathroom rug. My foot pushing into the flooring makes it go squiiiishh. Fork.

The rug is all wet.

Why is the rug wet?

Is that a yellow puddle on the floor?

Fork.

Ughhh someone pee peed the floor!!

Wait.

Why does it smell like pickles in here?

Why is there a jar of pickles laying on it’s side on the bathroom floor?

Oh that’s right…during the 45 second shower I bestow myself the luxury of having on a daily basis, Kinsley comes into the bathroom to tell me she wants a snack. Apparently this was short for, “Mom, I want a pickle for a snack and brought you the jar because I can’t open it. I’ll just leave it here for you so  you can open it immediately upon exiting the shower.”

Fork. There is dill pickle juice on the floor.  

The Center for Negligent Parents

Today I got to call the Center For Negligent Parents Who Let Their Children Ingest Toxins, also known as Poison Control. This is not the first time I have had to call the center for negligent parents. Last summer Kinsley ate a BOTTLE of sun tan lotion. Her innards were well protected against UV rays for the next 24 hours. This happened about two days after I called the Negligent Parent Center because she drank the baby shampoo.

I leave the kitchen/dinning/living room area to pee. This isn’t the first time. I have had to pee other times since my kids were born and left them unattended for 2 minutes. Generally someone will come banging on the door to ask me what I’m doing (I. AM. IN. THE. BATHROOM.) but sometimes they just go about doing what they were.

In less than 120 seconds, Greyson had pushed the barstool from the dining room to the kitchen counter, climbed up, took the Childrens Motrin from the windowsill and removed the child proof cap*. Mmmm medicine is yummy, Greyson says. I am going to contact the manufacturer about that and request they make broccoli flavored Motrin.


As a side note, if you ever have to call the Negligent Parent Center, they don't treat you like a negligent parent. They don't ask you things like, "what were you doing while your kid was doing this? can't you keep an eye on them at all times? MY KIDS never did anything like that." It's all business...what did they take, when, how old are they, how much do they weigh? 

They then assure you that your child will live and that they should drink milk. Apparently milk absorbs all sorts of things, I'm thinking about pouring it on my credit card statement to see what it does to the balance. 

*Child proof? Apparently my children are wise beyond their years and we need to buy the medicine that has the "Gifted Child" cap on it. How is that for a marketing plan? Dear Parents, which do you prefer...the cap for average intelligent children or the one that is $4 more for "Gifted" children. 

Did You Just Call Me Fatso?

About two months ago I enlisted the help of Dear Husband in my efforts to lose baby weight. I think the other two times I carried baby weight I didn’t really think much of it, I knew I was going to have another kid and be back in stretchy pants sometime in the near future. Now I know that I am going to be in shorts and a bathing suit in the near future, baby weight isn’t feeling so okay at the moment.

 I had this horrible habit of getting up and eating snacks, lots of times I didn’t even remember doing it. When I woke up one morning to find that I ate THREE cupcakes I decided it just had to stop. (As a side note, these were not just any cupcakes they were Bake N Cake cupcakes, any person even in their AWAKE mind would eat three if given the opportunity.) I gave clear instructions to Bo that if he heard me get up, followed by the sound of candy wrappers to firmly tell me to go back to bed. 

For two weeks now Bo has had to listen to me occasionally (daily) complain about how this is stupid and I hate the scale. He knows I am getting uber-frustrated and disappointed. 

Tonight I was on the computer and Bo asks “What are you eating?”

Me: Special K snack cracker chips.

Bo: Are they low calorie or something?

Me: Yes, I can eat 38 for 110 calories (I really did know and say that!). Why?

Bo:  Oh, because you are like going to town on them.

Me: (Smile) Thanks for looking out for me babe! Want one?

Now my normal mind knows that I asked Bo to help me and that is exactly what he was doing. But this is the conversation my female mind heard:

Bo: OMG you are EATING something AGAIN. What is it this time, an entire chocolate cake?

Me: (sheepish) I’m hungry. I had half a piece (because Kinsley stole the other half) of fish and a salad for dinner. I am just eating these salted pieces of card-board. Are you calling me a fat ass?

Bo: You are pigging out on your salted pieces of cardboard. Are you sure you are eating 38 and not ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT.

Me: Shut your trap. Do you want to try this and see how much they DON’T taste like regular chips?

Thank goodness we don’t all say what we think! It doesn’t really matter, I know he is thinking “I love you just the way you are.” Well he’s thinking about that, or looking at me and trying to imagine [insert hot actress’s name.]

The Parents Reading List

Way back when...when I was pregnant with Greyson I bought all kinds of parenting books. I did not yet have to spend my money on things like diapers, 5 gallons of milk a week, and clothes they would stain the first time wearing. So there was a lot more flexible money and a whooooooolllllle lot of ideas about what kind of Mom I was going to be. Since it was my first pregnancy I didn’t know I was hormonally insane and wasn’t filtering my thoughts and asking “hmmmm…is this a rational way of thinking?” *

Around the beginning of my 3^rd trimester I realized I couldn’t remember the words to any kids songs. What if sweet baby wakes up at night and needs a soothing lullaby to go back to dreamy la la land? I DON’T KNOW ANY. Actually, I don’t know ANYTHING about being a parent. Enter Amazon and daily visits by the UPS man. Place satisfied grin on smug expecting mama's face...I am going to be AWESOME.

Four years later, I have all of these parenting books somewhere in the basement. I can't get rid of them at a garage sale. What if someone asks me what they are about?! There were some that I did read and found really interesting, okay I read parts of them--I've been a little busy growing my organic vegetable gardening and spinning my own cotton thread for crocheting stuffed animals to stimulate creative play. 

For the most part, all I've learned is that parenting books are ridiculous. I don’t know who these people are but I am sure I would NOT be friends with them, (or probably more accurately they would not be friends with me..."I'm sorry, I am all out of soy. Would you like kaluha in your coffee?")

“Top 100 Baby Puree’s” I actually asked for this book as a Christmas gift before Greyson was born. I had great ideals about cloth diapers, making my own baby food, and being a "Crunchy"** mom. You know what was crunchy? My Hair. G had colic and constantly threw up. In my defense, I DO make my own baby food. It goes something like this. Step 1: Open can of fruit or veggie. Step 2: Put in food processor. Step 3: Add water and powder formula. Step 4: Turn button on process until it is done or until you remember that it is on and get back to it. 

“The Sleep Solution.”  How to get your baby to sleep soundly through the night? According to the book, you develop a night time routine and teach your kid to soothe themselves. Okay routine…everyone in the tub, stop drinking the bath water, don’t eat the soap. Kids out of the tub, run wildly through the house (for kids, parents please refrain from doing so until 9p) while trying to get a diaper on a moving target. Announce 20 minutes until bed time. Put children in bed 2 minutes after announcement, they don’t understand time and you are at risk for losing your mind if you have to deal with them using the house as a race track for 18 minutes. Good night dear children, I love you, sleep well. No you may not a have a drink. No you already went to the bathroom. No you can not have another book. I SAID. I LOVE YOU. AND GOOD NIGHT. NOW I AM NOT SAYING IT AGAIN. GO. TO. SLEEP. 

“Parenting Beyond Belief.” Bo and I have very differing religious beliefs. I bought this book so that I could learn how to teach my children about faith, religion and God but be respectful of Bo’s beliefs as well. The first story was a mom whose father had recently passed away. She told her 7 year old daughter that her grandfather was in the ground decomposing. What the...?!***

Um yeahhhh. 

Let’s see, I can tell them that thunder is the angels bowling or I could say “the electrodynamic effects of the massive current acting on the plasma in the bolt of lightning.” Bo can figure out what he wants to say on his own, I’m sticking with the whole bowling concept. 

“Siblings without Rivalry.” I’ve never even cracked this book open. I am going to write my own book. It is going to be called “How to use your kids against one another to get them to pick up their stuff.” Too harsh? Okay how about, “Keeping things fair. I will give you an M&M to use as an example of the reward system while giving the parent stare to other misbehaving child.” 

“The Busy Toddler Handbook.” I bought this one when I first lost my job and started staying home with the kids full time. Let me save you the $11. If you are interested in this book than it indicates that you do, or will, have a toddler. I hope sometime around the point where all of the kids are in school full time I find the opportunity to read this. Glancing through it looks like it is full of great ideas…like fill several pans with a different textured element, such as rice, sand, and water and let your children explore how it moves through their hands. 

Yes that is a WONDERFUL idea. As if your dear little ones did not already turn your house into total chaos, please give them free reign to poor things into every bitty crevice of your house. Please see above referenced book to prevent children from flinging textured elements into each others faces. If that doesn't work, see book below.

“1, 2, 3, Magic!” Yet another that I have not read, but I think the title kinds of gives it away. Please let me put this in terms of how “real” parents use this method. 

“Dear child who I love oh so much, Stop. Licking. The Freak.Ing. Ketchup. Offthetopofthebottle. NOW.

I am going to count to three.  One. (Oh wait, I forgot to put the whole threat part in it.) Stop licking the ketchup orrrrrr you will have to go to time out and I may start blogging and forget that you are there. One, two I mean it. Do you want to go to time-out? Fine. Three.”

You can determine what kind of day you are going to have by how many numbers you have to count. It is it’s own good-behavior metric system. 

• Issue threat and child retreats. Good day
• Count to 1 and your child runs away to engage in another activity. You are an AWESOME parent. Start giving other parents pointers on how to make their children behave. I am sure you're child will have the same reaction to this method every time, ESPECIALLY when in public or at your in-laws house.
• Count to 2 and give evil stare. You got it going on!! Rocking parent. You may also give pointers to other parents on the exempliary behavior modification method you practice. Please insert long sighhhh to indicate how difficult it was to get your child to listen. You are not on a pedestal here, you worked hard to be an ideal parent. You counted to two AND maintained mean face.
• You’ve counted to 3, gave second evil stare and are now dragging kicking and screaming child to time-out spot. Check liquor cabinet to determine if there is an appropriate level of “post kid bedtime” adult medication.
• You’ve counted to 3, gave second evil stare, dragged child to time out. Threatened child to stay in time out. Told them to get back to time out, or you are going to count to three again. 1, 2…oh screw it. Go see if Oprah is on. 

*Dear Readers, please ignore any follow up comments posted by dear husband. He doesn't remember it correctly. I was a peach while carrying our beloved children.

**"Hippie-esque; ALL-NATURAL. Refers to the crunch of granola, which (as goes the stereotype) hippie-esque people are likely to eat. Translating to parenting, it is breastfeeding (all natural), organic homemade baby food (all natural), cloth diapering (better for the environment), etc..."

***What the...? Has become my new favorite "swear" word. You can creatively insert that matches your level of intended offensiveness. Of course mine mind is thinking "What the...golly be! Could it really be? Gosh almighty,what the bee's knee's was I thinking?"

Things I Think I Should Add To My Resume

As the job search continues, I've wondered how to fully capture some of the activities I have recently engaged in...

• Advanced the understanding of key principles including, but not limited to, colors, numbers, songs, and manners.
• Created and executed reward system consisting of candy coated chocolate discs (M&M) to facilitate appropriate behaviors.
• Developed guidelines and provided structure for day to day actions.
• Critiqued, role modeled and reprimanded as necessary to maintain order and prevent overthrow of governing body.
• Excelled in budgeting time to meet all necessary deadlines including breakfast, morning snack, lunch, nap, afternoon snack, dinner and bath.
• Fully utilized materials on hand, fitted sheet and kitchen table, to build play structure.
• Captured attention of individuals under 3ft tall for up to 4 minutes at a time.
• Championed efforts to encourage individuals to utilize appropriate locations for urinary and bowel movements.
• Clarified understanding of world concepts, social etiquette and hierarchy principles.
• Minimized questions through consistency in concrete answers, primarily applying the phrase “Because I said so.”
• Served as project leader for arts and crafts activities.
• Computed regular facebook updates central to communication with external sources.
• Led measures to streamline nap/bedtime process and eliminate any areas of procrastination.
• Discovered  numerous ways to utilize paper towel and toilet paper rolls.
• Devised creative phrasing and actions to deter “meltdown city.”
• Actively engaged in conflict resolution and negotiation.
• Documented growth and progress through various mediums including print, electronic, video and photography.
• Elicited truthful responses to further understand vague situations including who hit who first.
• Familiarized self with animated characters names, role, interests and other key elements.
• Incorporated musical elements into mundane activities including clean-up, potty, eating and “I love you. Now go to sleep and I am not saying it again.”
• Inspired imagination and use of kitchen utensils, various box sizes, and costume to further creative play.

The Morning's Highlights

1. A WWF challenge occurred on my lap regarding who got to sit there and who got the crummy seat of sitting next to me. I got up and moved twice. The wrestling team followed me. Fortunately there are no folding chairs in near site.
2. The kids have learned to make fart noises by sticking out their tongues and ppppppllllllllttttttt, therefore flinging spit all over one another.
3. G is on underwear #4 for the morning and has been threatened that if he pee-pee’s somewhere other than the potty one more time he will have to wear a diaper. Not to be made the fool, he has informed Kinsley that SHE is wearing a BABY diaper, leading to the argument “I am NOT a baby.” “Yes you are.” “No I not.” “Yes you are.” Mooom. We are on round #7.
4. Due to item #3, I have stepped in something warm twice.
5. Trying to provide incentive, I am dancing around singing "pee pee in the potty." Should I include this in my resume? I will put it right under my MBA. "Proficient in singing about urinary and bowel movements to facilitate an encouraging atmosphere."
6. The washing machine is out of order until the part Bo ordered comes in so the pee-pee, barf, food soiled clothing is piling up in giving another reason for me to ask “What’s that smell?” and search it out like a drug dog on Michigan Ave. But seriously, what is that smell?
7. Due to item #4 I have been smelling clothes to determine the level of offensiveness. Greyson is now going around sniffing everyone. This could prove to be difficult to explain in public. Sorry my kid is smelling your butt, he just wants to know if you produced a load terrible enough to leave scent on your clothing. No offense.
8. Arlo barfed on me—bad day to wear a v-neck—and then laughed. When you are #3 you learn at a much younger age that it is funny to spew fluids onto someone. We’ve further added to the funky smelling pile of laundry.
9. Also being #3 Arlo has learned that in order to get my attention you have to be the loudest of the loud kids, in true sibling style, Kinsley and Greyson have turned their volume up several notches. It now sounds like we are in the middle of Chucky Cheese where 40 kids are infected by the kiddy crack I am convinced they pump into the air.
10. In case I had any intention of ignoring the quite challenged munchkins, they are reporting each other’s every move to me in a very Snookey-esque tone. MOM! ARLO. IS. YELLLLLING. MOOOOM! I CAN’T. HEAR. DORA. ARLO. IS YELLLLLLING.